Forgive / Surviving a parents suicide

My father came to the U.S. in January of 1967, landing on a Friday & starting work the following Monday. Born in Argentina to parents that came from Austria looking to find work in the early 30’s.

My father was disciplined man, also very strict & frugal. For most of his life he worked as a “machinist” in the Los Angeles area, and married my mother in the late sixties. My parents divorced in the early 80’s, and I spent several years in a foster home, with my mother ultimately getting full custody. After age 14, I didn’t see or speak with my father for over 30 years.

The Friday before Christmas 2014, he walked back into my life, showing up at the shop I co-owned & ran with my sister. Over the past years, I had sent him cards that his wife had intercepted, but he did manage to get one with the return address. Later I found out that my father had made a decision to find me that year, 2014. He had sold his duplex in Venice Beach, was retired, and had been living apart from his 3rd wife of 22 years. He was nearing the end of his life, he told me, and he didn’t want everything he worked for to go to his wife, as they were estranged and not getting along. He didn’t trust her, and he wanted to have a relationship with me, and for me to be his “heir”. There were a couple “red flags” I noticed, and on several different occasions, my father mentioned his loneliness & depression.

The year 2015 was a good one for us, as we began a series of “visits” on a monthly basis, and hour long weekly phone calls. My favorite memory was heading out to his house early on Sunday mornings and spending the day with him at the San Bernardino Swap Meet. Being with him, and hearing about his life was a treasure chest of discovery for me, as I knew almost nothing about my family back in Austria. As his only child, I had been very close to him while growing up, and I was so very happy that he was back in my life.

In September of 2015, my father created a Trust for me, leaving me 1/2 of the estate he shared with his 3rd wife. The next year, his wife found out about this Trust, and that created a legal war in Family Court that would last for 4 years. During this time, they ended up getting divorced, and my father became extremely dis-stressed. In the Spring of 2018, my father was worried, depressed, and losing sleep over the upcoming Settlement Trial scheduled for later that summer.

On his 81st birthday in early May, he went to get a check-up, and told the Dr. that he was having trouble sleeping, and that he asked for sleeping pills. The Dr. gave him a prescription for anti-depressants, without offering any counseling or alternatives. Immediately my father began to take the prescription, and within days his personality changed dramatically. He began to experience hallucinations, telling me that he saw a man in his home, taking his things. He became paranoid and fearful, telling me that he didn’t know what to do. By the end of the month, he gave away both of his beloved pet geese, and transferred all the money in his bank accounts over to me.

On Father’s Day weekend he told me over the phone that he was a failure, and his lawyer and the Settlement Trial would turn out badly. I begged him to go back to the Dr. and get advice on what to do re: the hallucinations & paranoia that he was experiencing, telling him I would take him myself. At this point, I was driving over to see him on a weekly basis, as his mental health was rapidly deteriorating. I had reached out to people for help, afraid of what he would do. I told his handyman, lawyer, tax-man, and mechanic that he was acting different, and I was frightened and concerned for his health. The red-flags were waving everywhere…

He had quit taking the anti-depressants cold turkey, and on the Wednesday after Father’s Day, when we spoke, he was very angry. It was a complete turn from his depressive state in the last few weeks, and it gave me hope, but his anger was directed to himself. I talked with him for over an hour, & told him I would come out that afternoon. He asked me not to, telling me it wasn’t good idea. The next day his handyman called me in a panic, he had found my father in the front yard of his home. My father had hung himself from his favorite tree, sometime the night before on Wednesday, June 19th.

The aftermath of his death could only be described as a living nightmare, and within weeks, I had to step into his role in the court settlement against his ex-wife. I was his “Power-of-Attorney”, and despite the his suicide, the legal proceedings went onward . Although I felt like I had been tackled by the strongest quarterback on an emotional level, I managed to get myself together for the 18 month court battle.

During that time, I also joined a “Survivors of Suicide” Support group at my local hospital. I had to be with like minded others that had experienced what I had just gone through. In that group I found complete acceptance and understanding of my emotions, anger, guilt, and mental state. I was able to share & express myself in a safe place, within a fellowship that held the pain that poured out of me.

Today, I look back with gratitude and respect for the organizations that are formed to help survivors of suicide find understanding, clarity, & dignity.

It took me about a year to feel like I could “get up off the ground” after being hit by the devastation of my father’s suicide. Eventually things started to get better, and the court settlement was finally completed when the Judge gave both myself and my father’s ex-wife an ultimatum. I was able to make the decision to settle, let go, and slowly move onward with my life, step-by-step.

Everyday suicide is looked at differently, and a new awareness & tools are being implemented to help those affected by suicide.

The “Centers for Disease Control & Prevention” show these statistics:

“Suicide is a serious public health problem.” “Suicide rates increased approximately 36% between 2000–2021. Suicide was responsible for 48,183 deaths in 2021, which is about one death every 11 minutes. The number of people who think about or attempt suicide is even higher. In 2021, an estimated 12.3 million American adults seriously thought about suicide, 3.5 million planned a suicide attempt, and 1.7 million attempted suicide.”

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK(8255)ne