LFC= Love, Forgive , and Create. A reflection on the gift of living at my fullest capacity.

With almost every prayer I say, I ask for guidance and for God to help me become a better person. Will I ever achieve the goal of becoming my best, highest self? I think maybe not…personally life has been a series of two steps forward, and then a step back to the person I am slowly unbecoming. Sometimes that “step backwards” is huge. Becoming my best self has involved a process of “unlearning” old behavior that has been a part of my life, and no longer serves me. I hold no blame and I am grateful for the “lessons & opportunities” I have had. I chose this path before I was even born. My “best self” watches over me and waits patiently by my side, gently guiding me, and sometimes whispering in my ear. It never leaves me, continuing to move me forward even when I am not listening or seem to be lost in my own fog of doubt, fear, or shame. I know that if I am quiet enough, if I allow myself time & space, then my best self can take my hand and walk me onward and forw...

One of the first pieces of literature I took from a meeting was the blue & white Alanon book-mark, “Just for Today”. Packed with good suggestions, in an easy to read format, this bookmark has helped me through many tough days, and the St Francis prayer at the bottom became one of my favorites.  Despite this tiny powerful bookmark, there were times in my life that felt so dark, I had a hard time picking it up. “ Not for Today” , I would think to myself, at times I momentarily forgot my program and all the tools that recovery offers.  As I continue to grow in my Alanon program, I have slips and days of falling off my “wagon of recovery”. Sometimes, when negative feelings surface so strongly, I resort to isolation and despair. These are coping mechanisms I learned long before coming into program. I momentarily forget about the Spiritual power of the Fellowship. The Do’s & Don’ts tell us “Not to wallow in Self-Pity”, yet sometimes I find that If I engage in a “Pity ...

 I have to forgive myself today, I am not a "super-human"anymore, the way I was ten years ago & running the shop business and having what I thought was a big life. And even that wasn't enough for me, I felt that I had more in me, I had to do more & show more. I took all kinds of work-shops directed toward helping the business succeed and then went to work & tried to apply it. At the Apple stores, both Old Pasadena & Glendale, I signed up for 2-3 workshops a week. iPhoto, Pages, and the old favorite, iWeb. I went to classes almost anywhere & everywhere, attending workshops on Wilshire Blvd at the "Small Business Association", while attending Trade Technical College.  In the end, I was exhausted & I am still tired, yet refusing to admit it. Like a fighter going down in the 5th round, I keep getting back up  despite the fact that I'm so done.  And after the combination of my fathers suicide & onset of menopause, ( and leaving a busin...