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Create / Recovering My Creativity

Growing up with an addicted & mentally ill parent caused me to hide many needs & desires, and “people-please” in order to feel accepted as survival mechanism. As an adult, hiding those needs and desires caused me to feel blocked, and unsure about myself in many social situations. The things that I saw & experienced shaped my future behaviors, I was always putting the needs & desires of others before my own, and not putting my dreams & goals first. "

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In the past six months, during coaching sessions with my peers, the same blocks/issues came up over & again. They consisted of not giving myself permission to create, and shine as my Higher Power wants me to. Another major block came in the form of wanting to try/do new things, then losing interest the moment I pursued the desire. "

" Recently wondering why I seem to not be able to break through a “creative block”, a memory has resurfaced. In my childhood home, behind the garage, there was a one-room studio, with wood paneled walls, and a slanted ceiling. For a short time, it was my mothers Art studio and full of her canvases, paints & supplies. As her first fan & youngest observer, I saw that she painted the same scene over and over. A nature scene from the country she was born in. In the background, a volcano, and in the foreground, a lake, with trees, leaves, vines, and flowers in-between. It seemed repetitive & boring to me, so one day I sneaked into the studio & painted a big boat in the center. I realize that I really wanted to be included in the things my mother did, and I would do almost anything to get her attention. At this time I was about 5-6 years of age. "

" The result of my actions, caused “Big Trouble”, and pretty soon my mother stopped painting. Shortly after this time my mothers drug addiction grew sharply, and I now know that her “dis-interest” in painting was an outcome of her addictions. Yet as a very young child, I thought I may have had something to do with it. Thankfully, after years of doing work on myself through a variety of ways, I am able to see the truth of this event in my childhood. I can let go of the old beliefs & stories I told myself. "

" In order to do this , I have to “Un-learn” the negative things/experiences that I grew up with and considered normal & true & “re-parent” myself. I need to sort it all out and share it with others in a safe environment that focuses on helping those that grew up with trauma. I can chose to work it out in therapy with a professional, or find a support group that I can fit in with on an emotional & spiritual level. This honest assessment & work on myself takes time, but is an investment in my future creative recovery. "

" I will continue to grow every day in this lifetime, and learn more valuable lessons. I can & will let go of the past, as it no longer serves me. I can trust myself and my “new behaviors” I have learned in recovery. These are self love, detaching with love & forgiveness of myself and others. I will continue to create and grow, and hope that you do as well.
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